(100) Days of Soundtrack: #14 – Stryper – To Hell With The Devil

“Is there a genre you’re not hoping to cover in this project?” one might ask. And if one had, I would have responded “Christian rock.” It’s not that music and religion aren’t compatible. Live and Collective Soul both straddled that line of holy and secular for years to decent effect, to say nothing of U2′s career long flirtation with that same line. Side B of Jethro Tull’s Aqualung is some of the most scathing but also most hopeful religious commentary in music history. One of the most important albums in modern independent music contains the line “I love you, Jesus Christ,” sung as earnest as can be, sustained in a way that no one can gloss over the fact that yes, we are proclaiming our love to the Lord. Despite not believing myself, religion has given us some damned important art, from the cathedrals of Europe to the music of today, and our cultural belief in religion crops up without even attempting to. Christian rock, though, tends to be like vegan food. Great food can also be vegan, but more often than not, the vegan aspect comes before the food one, and you get bland slop or tortured experimentation. Similarly, Christian music is unlike music with Christian themes, in that the music exists purely as praise for God. Any considerations of interesting music are incidental… the main goal is to sing of the goodness of our Lord, bless His name forever o my soul. I’m open to a lot, but I’m not going to spin an album which is flat-out indoctrination gone wild.

Then, the internet gave me my new favorite thing.

I’d say Ted Cruz is about the human equivalent of Christian rock. He’s pointlessly zealous, but devoid of content. He’s pretty damn terrifying if you really think about him. Finally, no one with any taste wants him around. Yet just like Christian music, which can be pretty damn hilarious without intending to be, he has been internet comedy gold, and last week, it was brought to the world’s attention that Mr. Cruz looked quite a bit like the lead singer of Christian metal band Stryper, prompting a rumor that the two were one and the same. This is, I believe, more damning than the previous Cruz rumor, which was that he was the Zodiac killer. The only thing more painfully unaware of its hilarity than hair metal is Christian hair metal. It’s all just discomfort, from thinking of Cruz to thinking of Stryper.

Oddly, though, the story made me moved to give the God-fearing bumblebees of hair metal ephemera a serious spin. I’ve never actually HEARD Stryper. It seems unfair to make them the butt of a joke without knowing how badly they deserve it. And so, I find myself spinning an album I have no anticipation of liking, for the sake of science, music, and you.

Before we get into To Hell With the Devil, Ted Cruz’s second full length with his old metal band, allow me to draw your attention to the cover. Not only is To Hell With the Devil a fairly clever metal album title, but you’ll note if you look at literally any Stryper album that there is a Bible verse quoted – Isaiah 53:5. Isaiah was one of the most important prophets of the Bible, in case that interests you, and Stryper would like you to know he once said the following: “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our inequities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” I’m not going to lie, that is a fairly metal Bible passage. Let’s see how that translates throughout this classic of a genre we never really needed.

If you were going to put Stryper’s To Hell With the Devil on your Hi-Fi to show your hip new pals you were into the rocks and the rolls, they would immediately know this was hair metal, and probably call you into question. At first, though, there would be no realization as to exactly what musical mayhem one was getting into. As music, it’s maybe a bit slow in tempo than metal should be… the drums have no soul or anger, leaving the songs flat. The guitars, though, are as competent a pair as one could hope for. Where Stryper really falls short immediately, however, is in Ted’s role. The vocals on “To Hell With the Devil” are shouty at best. They improve when the songs get campier and more spiritual, instead of spitting anger at a non-existent demon, but that camp makes the album as a whole sound like a compilation of themes to popular 80s cartoon movies. Sometimes this is normal “wholesome” childishness, like how America’s Funniest Videos always seems to be geared to 3 year olds even though grown-ass adults are the entire laughing audience. Other times they go whole hog into feeling like this is sandbox time, like on “Sing-Along Song,” which not only shares a title with half of Raffi’s albums but comes complete with a chorus of “Oh-ho-ohhhhhh, whoa-ohh-ohh, laaa laaaa.” There’s not really a clearer way to show that one hasn’t quite matured musically than to write a song about singing along with a song, and then neglect to even write a proper chorus for it. On the other hand, though, there’s “Honestly,” which contains some of the most painful falsetto set to record and lyrics that are so painfully inoffensive and trite that no one could possibly mistake this for a love song to a human. I’ll take a stunted second-childhood in Christ any day over more of that, and mercifully, Stryper seem to concur… only “All of Me” returns to this cringe-worthy vein.

If I had to listen to Ted Cruz sing, I’m sure he would sound like Stryper do on “All of Me.”

Really, though, this is is not that much more painful than any second-tier hair metal platter would be. Songs like “Calling On You” are cheesy, sure, but they’re hard to hate flat out. If one did not know Stryper was Christian, it would be something you could guess, but it isn’t blatant in the first few tracks like the genre is as a whole nowadays. I didn’t even hear “Christ” or “Jesus” or “The Lord” explicitly mentioned until “The Way,” which is a pretty damn long stretch for a band like this, even if the rest of the album makes up for lost time with more clear references. Maybe the metal influence colors their message in a way, as only half of the songs are explicitly holy… fewer if you count “the one above” as ambiguous. “Free” even gives us a very non-modern-Christian message… we’re free to do what we want! Granted, the options are likely “be saved” or “burn in the fire,” but still, it’s refreshing to hear a Christian tell someone they’re free to choose, no matter the context. Ted Cruz would never be so accepting.

“We just want to spread the news in a different way,” Stryper insists in “Rockin’ the World.” It’s an excellent primer on what feels weird about Christian music, actually… it’s an entire song about how this band wants to make rock and roll music for God. “Rockin’ the world for you, Holy One,” they sing. “Rockin’ the world for you and your Son.” This is not music made for human ears, as such. It’s music made for God. That’s why so many Christian songs only talk about God. It’s why Christian musicians rarely seem to have much to say about personal relationships, or current events, or the trials of life. This isn’t music about or for people. The only real audience is the Lord God above. Maybe that’s why albums like this feel so impersonal. Maybe it’s why Christian musicians care less about catchy or interesting music and more about putting God in every song, but for us mortals here on earth, it makes the music pretty forgettable and not very nuanced. What matters, to a believer, is lifting your voice up in song and praise. It doesn’t matter if what you’re saying is interesting, or new… you just need to be giving praise. What’s left musically isn’t relevant to anything but faith. It doesn’t understand trends it inserts itself into. It doesn’t care about its own quality or interest. It doesn’t need relevance or likability. It only runs on devotion to blind faith.

Just like Ted Cruz

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