Adults React to the 2013 MTV VMAs
The first thing that came to mind when the idea of “an adult’s reaction to the VMAs” rolled across the eDesk was simply this: “We don’t.” We had better things to do, like watch the new Breaking Bad episode, attend friends’ weddings, and most importantly, listen to music, something that is physically impossible to do while watching the VMAs. It’s easy to pass this off as a bunch of old folks getting cranky over the new music, and maybe there’s some aspect of this to it, but at some point, the old joke about MTV no longer having “M” in it was a new joke. After tonight, maybe there’s finally proof. We don’t really know. Again, we had better things to do.
Inevitably, of course, in the age of the intertubes, it becomes almost impossible to recuse yourself from a travesty of these proportions. As an adult, there is probably no stronger desire than to just say “No, this is not important,” because really, every last second of it was unimportant. That’s why none of us wasted a Sunday watching live. We all know it’s only a matter of time, however, just like we all eventually got suckered into seeing at least one Harlem Shake, just like it was only a matter of time before even the most adamant human being was forced to hear “Call Me Maybe,” before the VMAs will creep into your news feed and make you cry for humanity. If we’re lucky, we can help ease that pain by proving that someone, somewhere, is crying too.
Miley Cyrus – We Can’t Stop / Blurred Lines / Give It 2 U
Alex Lupica: There are a number of reasons why Miley Cyrus’s mouth should be sewn shut, but perhaps the least talked about is her tongue, which seems physically unable to stay between her lips, like a dog’s, if the dog was in KISS. Really, that Miley came off evoking a bunch of old men in bondage clown suits more than anything in her Pedobear-tastic performance last night is indicative of the whole thing came across as fake. She looked like a child, not in a prudish grandmother “my child shouldn’t be sexy” way, but in the way that children act like someone else with zero nuance or understanding. Whether Cyrus wanted to be part of a hip-hop party or a rock concert, she was unable to portray herself as anything but a terrible actress who belongs to neither world.
Even so, despite looking like a fool for three minutes by herself, seemingly calculating every move to repulse the broadest swatches of even the most liberal viewers, at least she provided a counterpoint to Robin Thicke, who strolled about on stage bored. The two do their famous fathers proud: the former by being appalling, the latter by being stiff and dull. He just didn’t exist, for all intents and purposes. There’s not much more to say, except that perhaps tight pants aren’t the ideal thing to wear if you’re about to be twerked on.
Matt Jackson: One of my most vivid concert memories involves me and a friend standing at the far end of a large, outdoor venue at an Aesop Rock show. The show took place in a huge, empty wading pool located in Brooklyn on a hot summer day. It was like watching a concert in a concrete baking dish. As we we watching, a wirey young woman came bounding through the crowd wearing no shoes, with her distraught friend trailing behing. The girl’s legs were cut to ribbons from tumbling all over the concrete and she fell flat on her face in full sprint just a few feet away from me and my friend. Before we could react to help her, she lept up, as if possed. Wild-eyed, she continued her mad dash.
I have no idea to this day what kind of drugs she was taking, but I bet Miley Cyrus does. I feel bad for the girl. I have her dead or incarcerated by 2014. That said, if you really need to know anything about her performance, just look for Drake’s reaction shot.
Lady Gaga – Applause
MJ: More or less exactly what you’d expect from Lady Gaga. Next to Miley, though, she may actually succeed in convincing people that there’s genuine artistic merit to what she’s doing. She should send Miley a thank-you note. At least this was fun to watch.
N’Sync – Bye, Bye, Bye
MJ: This happened. That’s really the only interesting thing there is to say about it. But, it was sort of enjoyable watching JT essentially dismiss his former bandmates like so much garbage and then watch them unceremoniously sink beneath the stage. At just about 2 minutes, it might be the shortest reunion tour of all time.
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